It Might Sound B*tchy, but...

OK... here's the deal. 
 I don't like you and I know you don't like me, so why must we do the pathetic little chit chat thing when we happen to be within arms length of each other??   Everyone knows this person... they greet you with that annoying high pitched long drawn out "Hiiiiiiii!!"...
                  Why, oh why are you talking to me?!?!
 I can't stand to be around you, in fact, I would rather staple bologna to my face and put my head in a piranha tank.  I know you don't like me because, believe it or not, you do not  own the rights on gossip and I've heard what you say behind my back.  I am OK with this... really.  Could not care less.  So why does this type of person INSIST on chatting with me like we are old friends?  After the exaggerated "hi" they usually hit you with a lame compliment, "I like your hair"  (it's been the  same since the late 90's), "I love your shoes" (year old Sketchers with paint splotches)... etc.  Why can't we just nod hello, maybe force a smile and go on our way?  Even after those heart warming compliments, I am unlikely to divulge any personal info that you can use at your next gossip session.  Although I seriously, SERIOUSLY want to make up some fantastic story just to see if you repeat it.  My favourite ideas generally involve me being abducted by aliens and enduring somewhat invasive procedures in my butt region, or how I had lunch with the Power Rangers last week.  But no... I try and act like a respectable adult and just smile numbly and endure your stupidity....all the while imagining what it would feel like to smack you up side the head with my purse.  (which is huge and freakishly heavy I may add)  I understand we have to act civil to our fellow man and I am fine with this.  But no where does it state, that I should have to endure your stupidity for longer than a nanosecond. 
So I am asking everyone to do me a favour... a favour for the world of science and psychology really.  Next time this happens to you, stop the person mid sentence and say,
" I can't listen to you without feeling my brain literally dissolve inside my cranium.  Please don't take this personally, I just have a low tolerance for stupidity and you are exceeding the acceptable level.  Have a nice day". 
See what I did there?  By adding the "have a nice day", it takes the sting out of the glaring reality that this person is just here on the planet, sucking up perfectly good oxygen.

I do see that this does sound sort of, if not completely bitchy, but who among us enjoys this sort of encounter?  I am just the one saying this out loud (or inside your head as you read).  So as they say, put on your big girl panties and move along.