Granny Vans

I have noticed a disturbing trend lately. There seems to be a growing number of senior citizens driving mini vans. Why? I need to know!
What are these people doing that they need a vehicle that can carry seven people at a time? Are they planning a group attack somewhere? Are they driving around breaking their friends out of their houses late at night to drive around and vandalize playgrounds? What is the plan?!?!
Why the vans? Usually there is only one person in the van, sometimes two. Today I saw three men in one. Ok... I KNOW they are NOT going to Walmart to do their shopping. Tag team grocery shopping? I think not.
I think that since most minivans have the cute little sticker family on the rear window, the seniors should have to do this as well. Them, their four kids, fifteen grandchildren, five great children and various cats, dogs and other pets as well. So by now there is no clear space in the window making the rear view mirror completely useless. Although in their defence, I'm not sure most them are used anyway.

Nine time out of ten if I am cut of in traffic or behind some jackass going 20km/hr, it's a senior.  You can gripe about the teen drivers all you want.  The seniors are worse.  

Now, one of my best friends would be saying, " awww, be nice. What if it was you dad driving in front of you?"   My response?  

"I'd jump out of my car, walk along side his slow moving vehicle, reach in and grab license from his wallet."

Seriously?!?  If you can't follow the rules, don't play the game.  That is why the granny van syndrome is somewhat concerning.  I have a feeling they have heard my road rage through my blaring music and are planning an attack.  

So if I go missing, check the granny vans.  They will likely have me tied up and sedated with Ambien in the back seat.  

Daily Positive Affirmations (and the negative impact they have on my life)

It has recently been brought to my attention, that Sarcazma has been slacking lately. So thank you for the push... I needed it! It was also a very brave thing to do since we all know I can sometimes walk on the scary side of "crazy-bitch land".

After I finished college, I moved back home for what was supposed to be two months. I actually moved out two YEARS later, which is a painful story for another time. I am far too sober to relive the joy of living with my parents as an adult at this moment.
Anyway, I moved back home while I finished my practicum. At this time, my dad was knee deep in a new thing that he was introduced to at work. His head office down east, decided it would be a good idea that the staff listened to positive affirmations in the morning as they got ready for work.
You know where I'm going with this.

This was before the glorious invention of earbuds. So I was exposed to this over the top happy bullshit every damn morning!!! Now, believe it or not, I am NOT much of a morning person. Don't get me wrong, mornings are beautiful.
Sun coming up, sky getting lighter, birds singing and all that shit.
It's just that I think it all happens far to early in the day. I myself prefer sunset. It's the same thing as sunrise, just in reverse.
Sun going down, sky getting dark, birds shutting the hell up... It's glorious.
So as I get ready for my practicum ( which is a fancy way of saying " doing the worst part of the job for no money"), I am forced to listen to what I referred to as someone who has taken way too many uppers and consumed a toxic amount of sugar, blow sunshine up my ass.
I was 20 years old at the time, and lets face it, in a perpetual hangover. So listening to this dude EVERY morning did not make me feel positive. It did the opposite.

Look in the mirror and say 3 positive things I'm going to do today?? Here they are smart ass...

1. I will make a snarky comment to the ass hat taking 20 minutes to fill his car with gas and wash his already clean windshield. I will then also, as a bonus, make fun of the fact that he referred to his car as a "Lincoln". I know it's a Lincoln... I also know you are bald. Don't care. It's a car idiot. It doesn't require a name. Move along...

2. I will find the dark side to a dark situation. I will not make lemonade out of lemons. Lemonade gives me cankers. Unless we are adding vodka to the lemonade, shut up. I will not make a bad thing good by thinking positive. Sometimes bad stuff happens. Deal with it.

3. When someone says, " have a nice day!" I will be forced to respond with my usual, " Don't tell me what kind of day to have. Man, you are bossy."

I do realize I respond like a spoiled three year old. I'm not sure why, but I feel compelled to do the exact opposite of what I am told. Especially by some moron on a cassette tape yowling at me from across the hall at 7:00 am. I'm fairly certain other people feel,this way too. Perhaps there is an untapped market for Demotivational Speakers. I can make my own little series for people to listen to in the morning.

TAPE ONE - Yes, You Cut Your Ankle Shaving This Morning And You Are On Day 2 Of Your Period, But You Will Also Get Caught In Traffic This Morning. Enjoy .
TAPE TWO - Today Is Going To Suck, I'm Not Gonna Lie To You.

Etc, etc, etc...
Anyway, that is my thought for this morning, not so much sarcasm as it is pessimism. But whatever.
Have a nice day!