Fairy Tales: Why I Just Don't Buy It.

Fairy Tales, I just don't get it.  First all, the label is misleading since they don't all have a fairy in them.  I could be reading along...patiently waiting for the fairy character to appear, and then I get to the end of the book.  NO FAIRY!  What a rip off!  Perhaps the wolf in the "Three Little Pigs" would've had better luck if he had a fairy on his side.  Just sayin... but I digress.

I have often wondered about the validity of these stories, and yes, even as a child I was this cynical.  Lets look at "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" for a moment.  First of all, who names a child Goldilocks?  OK, I get it's not a real story, and she's not a real person, but couldn't the story teller put a little more effort into naming his characters?  Goldilocks?  Seriously?  What if she was a child with an abnormally large butt?  "Fat Ass and the Three Bears" ?  Now THAT'S a story I can get on board with.  The bears are no better, Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear... they are gonna feel stupid when baby bear is all grown up and having to walk around the forest with the name Baby.  All the other animals will laugh and make fun of him.  There's no way he's ever getting a date...his life is ruined.  Live at home forever with Papa and Mama you loser!
Onto the actual story.  The premise is that the bears porridge is too hot, so they decide to go for a walk in the forest to wait for it to cool down.  I would like to know exactly how hot is this porridge that it requires them to leave the premises and wander around for awhile? 

Was this porridge made in middle earth? 
Why is it so hot?  Good grief you lazy bears!!! 
Just scoop some up and blow on it for Pete's sake!!! 

Next, our little miss Goldilocks breaks into the bears house, which we all know is just the first step to a life of crime.  Before you know it, she's knocking off liquor stores and selling cotton candy flavoured crack to Snow White and her posse.  Anyway, she breaks in, bitches about how uncomfortable their furniture is, eats their food and then thinks it is acceptable to climb into each of their beds.  Just a quick note on the beds... we read quickly through the part where the Papa and Mama have separate beds.  This sort of marital discord is unacceptable in a child's story.  The bears private lives is none of our concern.  Perhaps Papa wouldn't have his own bed if Mama learned how to cook properly!  Anyway, enough about the sex life (or lack thereof) of our bears.  Goldilocks ends her adventure in the baby's bed.  Which I find a little creepy because if this story was about the family down the street and they came home to find some blond haired tart sleeping in their kids bed, the story would have a very different ending.  Why is it all cute and cuddly because its a bear family?  Bears are not the most heart warming creatures...they can kill you.  Why not a rabbit family, or squirrels??  Because she wouldn't fit into a squirrel bed you say?  You're forgetting that in my version of the story, the squirrel house is situated next to a nuclear power plant and the squirrels have grown to be six feet tall.  So there! 

At any rate, I'm just not buying the premise that this is a suitable story for children.  If you think this is bad, you don't even want to know what my thoughts are on "Red Riding Hood".