My Wedding Vows aka "No Yardwork"

Whenever a female friend of mine complains about having to do any type of yard work, be it mowing grass, planting, pulling weeds or shoveling snow, I invite them to have a quick peek at my world.  My usually response is,

"I don't do yard work.  If it happens outside; it's not my problem.  I had it put in my wedding vows."

Now obviously I didn't LITERALLY do this, although seeing the expression on the eighty year old priest that married us would have been a tiny little hoot! 

And before you get your undies in a knot, it has nothing to do with sexual sterotypes.  I just do not enjoy the outside stuff.  Let's face it, that's where the bugs are.

You see where I'm going with this.  I have never mowed a lawn in my life.  I grew up with an older brother and was therefore never required to attempt this chore.  Luckily we also had a gas run John Deere monstrosity of a mower that weighed a thousand pounds, so the likelihood of me being able to actually maneuver it was slim.  Call me spoiled if you wish, I do not care!  I'm also one of the few people on the planet who can not stand the smell of freshly cut grass.  To be perfectly honest, I would rather smell a skunk.  I'm serious!  So unless the grass has started to grow inside the house, it is none of my concern.  And frankly, if it IS growing in the house, and it's bugging you that much, feel free to fix the problem.  The same rules apply to snow.  While I have had some experience shovelling, I feel this task is best left to those more experience and trained for such tasks.  Like my teenage son for example.  Once in a blue moon, if it isn't too cold out, I will attempt to help out with the snow removal.  But in all honesty, my heart isn't in it.  What can I do?  I have given the job to my husband (who in turn has dragged a grumpy teenager into it) and if I change the rules now it would cause chaos in an otherwise fairly calm household.

 Who am I to rock the boat?  Stir the pot?  Make waves?

So this has been the rule in our house for the better part of 20 years.  I handle the insides, he handles the outsides. 

 Oh, unless the fridge needs to be cleaned out.  No way in hell I'm doing that!

New Email/Password Drama

OMG!!  I just spent the last half hour trying to log into my blog account.  I had to change my email address this past year thanks to some jackhole from Poland hacking into my account and sending spam to everyone in my contact list.  That was seriously awesome!  grrrrr
Now I am trying to change everything and Google won't let me.  Says my new address is already linked to something, blah, blah, blah.  I have changed passwords and crap so many times I have no idea what I'm doing.  I can't use my new address because Google, in its infinite wisdom, says that it is already in use...

YAH!!!  BY ME YOU MORON!!! 

I have now taught my laptop several new variations of well known curse words (as well as a few I've created on my own) and will have to try and sort this crap out.  Internet security is a great thing, provided it doesn't keep you out of your own accounts.  Personally, I think Google has a stick up its butt because most of my stuff is Yahoo related.  After this last problem, I think my loyalty to Yahoo has increased.  Although, it was a Yahoo account that was hacked and started this whole mess... but anyway, I digress...

So this guy from Poland, (I'm assuming its a dude, because lets face it; it was a douche thing to do and sounds like something a guy would do) ;o) manages to hack my account and I can't even log in to get my flippin' blog account up and running.  Feeling somewhat tech challenged?  Why yes I am thank you very much!
So I can hopefully keep this account because if I have to start from scratch I will be seriously pissed off... and to the peckerhead who caused all this grief...

Wal się!!!

Boneless Chicken Wings? I think not...

   All of a sudden there are various ads for restaurants advertising their

                      NEW Boneless Chicken Wings. 

Wings are one of my absolute favourite foods of all times, so I asked myself, how on earth do they get the little bones out those suckers???  Long story short, my husband ordered them recently (basically because he doesn't understand my love for wings and will not even try to eat something that takes that much time to consume.  Like most men, he's a stick a fork in it and eat... no muss, no fuss)  Anyway... he orders these "wings" and what he receives makes me laugh at first, then become angry.  Basically, they took chicken breasts (yuck) cut them into wing size strips and then cooked them in the wing sauce.  Seriously?  This somehow makes them wings?  So If I put the sacred wing sauce on my left foot it becomes a "wing"???  Calling it a wing doesn't make it true.  And if a person is too lazy to eat an actual wing, I say big deal!  My husband doesn't eat them and has managed to lead a fairly full life.  More wings for me!  Putting wing sauce on other pieces of meat no more makes them wings as putting baby powder on my ass makes me a baby.  Quit messing with the wings people!!

Another example of this sort of thinking is the ever popular, ice cream cake.  Just because something is "cake-shaped" it does not magically become a cake. 

    THERE IS NO CAKE IN AN ICE CREAM CAKE!!!! 

I want to make a meatloaf in a cake pan and market it as "Meat Cake".  Mmmm... that gets the taste buds rockin'!   So you serve this psuedo cake thing at a birthday... what do you put on it?  A real cake would have ice cream put on it, so you see where this is going...
Why must we slice and serve ice cream? 

          A scoop not good enough for you princess?!? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the creation itself (I used to decorate the things way back in the day) but please don't call it a cake.  The shape of the food does not dictate what it becomes.  Call it what it is. 
So hey there Mr. Ice Cream Cake... get over yourself!  You're just a pile of frickin ice cream!

It's just a name you say?  It's false advertising and I for one will be it's victim no longer! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and put some make-up on and become a Cover-Girl.

What Annoys Me on FB (Today anyways)

Many things annoy me on FB (shocking, coming from me I know).  But his latest trend is just too stupid not to mock.
It's not enough that teenage girls are just plain insane, but now they have FB to advertise the extent of their stupidity to the world.  I keep seeing girls quoting love lyrics from songs.  Not to their boyfriends or random guys they like, but to their friends...GIRL friends.
I doubt they get these tiny odes from anywhere else since the art of actually reading poetry is long since dead.  As if these heart felt declarations aren't enough, they also have to post eight thousand pictures of themselves kissing each other on the cheek...usually in a bathroom. 
(And don't even get me started on the whole "duck face" issue because I will get violent.  Girls, you just look plain idiotic) 
My question is, why the need to announce to the world that you "love this girl with all your heart and couldn't live with out her"?!?!  I know it isn't politically correct to say something is "gay" but...

That's gay.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals and do not want to debate this issue.  I have several family and friends that fall in to this category and I think debating it is like discussing the colour of their hair.  Doesn't matter.

Anyway, why the need for this declaration of love?  Do they even get what love is?  Because without exception the same girl who would cease to exist without her so-called soul mate will eventually have an online scrap with this girl.  This is very easy to identify as well.  It usually starts with a cryptic message about how two faced people can be, followed by having at least 50 comments attached to it. 
I'm all for loving your friends.  I do...I just don't feel the need to proclaim it to the world by quoting Katy Perry or Justin Beiber.
 
When did this become normal?  (cuz it's not)
Why don't boys do it?  (cuz, holy crap that would be funny!)

Alas, the poor youth of today!  They think they have invented teen angst!  How could we possibly understand their torment?!?!

Oh wait, I know how...
I grew up in the 80's. 
They need to listen to Wham!, Culture Club and Metallica while wearing neon EVERYTHING and trying to choke down a NEW Coke! 
Now THAT my friends, is angst!
So quit getting smoochy with your friends, it's just plain weird and you are going to look and feel soooo stupid in a couple of years when some of these girls "come out" and expect you to feel the same.
In short, just grow the hell up please.

Useless Trivia

I will be the first to admit that when it comes to useless trivia, my brain is chock full! 

Do I know my bank account numbers? No
Do I know my social insurance number?  No
Do I know my work address?  No

In my defense, I do however, know that the little divot between your nose and upper lip is called a philtrum.
The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin Chaplin look alike contest.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
The first thing to have a bar code was Wrigley's Gum.

And so on...

I believe that I am unable to remember that I put a load of laundry in the washing machine, or where my keys are is because my brain can only hold so much information.  Therefore, in the part of my brain where these things should be stored, I instead know that there are more chickens in the world than people. 
Granted, perhaps knowing the location of my keys is somewhat more important, I still cannot replace the knowledge about the chickens. 

So if we go out anywhere together, please don't ask me to remember where we parked...because I am already busy remembering that the electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The Fine Art of Sarcasm

Ahhh, sarcasm... how I love thee...

The problem with sarcasm, especially in today's modern world, is that some people are born without the ability to comprehend or produce it.  The key to effective sarcasm is in the inflection.  I will give you an example.

Daughter: I don't like this, can I have something else for supper?
Me: Of course!  I love cooking so much, that I will gladly start all over again just for you!

Reading this, I sound like a wonderful caring mother... but when you add the inflection to it I come off completely different...

Daughter: I don't like this, can I have something else for supper?
Me: Of course! I love cooking so much, that I will gladly start all over again just for you!

See the difference?  Although sometimes inflection is not needed and the sarcasm is simply inferred by the language that is used.  Here is an example of a very common conversation in my house.


Me: I would like you to clean your room and sort your laundry.
Daughter:  Now?
Me: No...you may do it whenever it pleases Your Royal Highness.

Now, to those challenged in the sarcastic arts will think, "gee, how nice she lets her daughter do things on her own terms".  (Or more likely, "holy crap that kid is one spoiled little %^*@!")

Another challenge is trying to get my message across via email or text.  The general rule of thumb is if you've received it from me, it's dripping with sarcasm.  It's my job, it's what I do.  Some people knit, some people do volunteer work.  Me?  I mock.

A sad moment for me was realizing my daughter was totally oblivious to sarcasm.  We would say something to her and she would think we were serious when we answered her "where is the milk" type question with, "under the sink in the bathroom".  After several months of careful coaching and giving obvious examples of the art form she slowly began to catch on. 
We now think she may have caught on a little too well.  Maybe it's just the teen years at work, but the girl is now a sarcasm machine.

Daughter: The gym is noisy
Phys Ed Teacher: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Daughter: Your welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm

Although highly inappropriate, and somewhat disrespectful...

   

  I have never been prouder.

Fairy Tales: Why I Just Don't Buy It.

Fairy Tales, I just don't get it.  First all, the label is misleading since they don't all have a fairy in them.  I could be reading along...patiently waiting for the fairy character to appear, and then I get to the end of the book.  NO FAIRY!  What a rip off!  Perhaps the wolf in the "Three Little Pigs" would've had better luck if he had a fairy on his side.  Just sayin... but I digress.

I have often wondered about the validity of these stories, and yes, even as a child I was this cynical.  Lets look at "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" for a moment.  First of all, who names a child Goldilocks?  OK, I get it's not a real story, and she's not a real person, but couldn't the story teller put a little more effort into naming his characters?  Goldilocks?  Seriously?  What if she was a child with an abnormally large butt?  "Fat Ass and the Three Bears" ?  Now THAT'S a story I can get on board with.  The bears are no better, Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear... they are gonna feel stupid when baby bear is all grown up and having to walk around the forest with the name Baby.  All the other animals will laugh and make fun of him.  There's no way he's ever getting a date...his life is ruined.  Live at home forever with Papa and Mama you loser!
Onto the actual story.  The premise is that the bears porridge is too hot, so they decide to go for a walk in the forest to wait for it to cool down.  I would like to know exactly how hot is this porridge that it requires them to leave the premises and wander around for awhile? 

Was this porridge made in middle earth? 
Why is it so hot?  Good grief you lazy bears!!! 
Just scoop some up and blow on it for Pete's sake!!! 

Next, our little miss Goldilocks breaks into the bears house, which we all know is just the first step to a life of crime.  Before you know it, she's knocking off liquor stores and selling cotton candy flavoured crack to Snow White and her posse.  Anyway, she breaks in, bitches about how uncomfortable their furniture is, eats their food and then thinks it is acceptable to climb into each of their beds.  Just a quick note on the beds... we read quickly through the part where the Papa and Mama have separate beds.  This sort of marital discord is unacceptable in a child's story.  The bears private lives is none of our concern.  Perhaps Papa wouldn't have his own bed if Mama learned how to cook properly!  Anyway, enough about the sex life (or lack thereof) of our bears.  Goldilocks ends her adventure in the baby's bed.  Which I find a little creepy because if this story was about the family down the street and they came home to find some blond haired tart sleeping in their kids bed, the story would have a very different ending.  Why is it all cute and cuddly because its a bear family?  Bears are not the most heart warming creatures...they can kill you.  Why not a rabbit family, or squirrels??  Because she wouldn't fit into a squirrel bed you say?  You're forgetting that in my version of the story, the squirrel house is situated next to a nuclear power plant and the squirrels have grown to be six feet tall.  So there! 

At any rate, I'm just not buying the premise that this is a suitable story for children.  If you think this is bad, you don't even want to know what my thoughts are on "Red Riding Hood".

Reality TV (and my red hot hatred of it)

I know that everyone is caught up in the latest Survivor or Bachelor series, but I can NOT stand these idiotic programs!  Lets put aside the fact that there are gazillions of writers out of jobs because of our latest fascination with watching other peoples "reality".  
Lets, for a moment, discuss reality.  Now; last I checked I am surrounded by reality.  In fact some days I am drowning in it!  My life is pretty good, better than some, worse than others, so why would I want to watch others peoples crap when I have my own?  Likewise, if my life is momentarily crap-free, then why would I want to fill mine with theirs??  I will admit when Survivor first reared it's ugly head back in 1788 (approx) I was watching.  The first couple shows were good until the whole strategy thing became an issue.  It's not so much a strategy as a plan to
1. Make secret alliances with the person directly to the left of you swearing undying loyalty until the end of time.  (Unless it's just the two of you left on the island, and in that case, that bitch is on her own.
2. Make a second secret alliance with the person directly to the right of you swearing undying loyalty until the end of time.  This alliance of course is complete garbage and you are just screwing with them to get info about other peoples plans.  Essentially, you have to toss everything you learned about being a decent person and become that evil chick we all knew in high school. 
3. The third and most important part (This applies to the females only) you must, and I mean MUST either be sporting a DD in an A cup bikini, or an A cup and just wear the headband/buff thing as a tube top.  Part this also involves you jumping up and down as much as possible in case people have forgotten to look at your boobs for a moment.
  This program does provide entertainment in the way of difficult challenges, but my biggest gripe with the show is that it ultimately rewards people for being mean.  They do everything that we teach our children not to and they win money and fame.  It is a sad revelation that this is where we are as a civilization. 

Now, on to "The Bachelor"...

Yes; millions of people love this show, some of my closest friends are addicted to it like crack.  I don't judge, I say watch away!!  My only request (other than PLEASE don't make me sit through an episode) is that at the end of the show when the "proposal"  happens, they must accept!!  Not only that, they must remain married and live together as a couple for a minimum of ten years.  You want fame?  You want money?  Fine!  It's yours!!  But you will have pay for it with ten years of your life.  If you think you can find the love of your life by acting ridiculous to gain the attention of some yahoo that got dumped last year then go for it!  I mean, it's not hard to fall in love when you are in Paris having a private dinner with the Eiffel Tower in the background.  Or on a private beach on a tropical island.  (insert puking sound here)  How about putting some reality into "reality" TV?  I want to see them get up and go to work, come home, make dinner, do laundry, clean the house, run errands and all the other fun stuff that reality brings.   Most of these contestants are wanna be actors or models and are hoping to spin their 15 minutes of fame into a lifetime.  Spare me!!  I especially love the syrupy sweet girls who bat their eyelashes and hang on every word the guy says.  Then tosses her hair back with a giggle that makes even Minnie Mouse roll her eyes.  The real pros are the ones who pick imaginary lint off the men in order to keep touching them.  My favourite part??  When these clueless morons actually fall for this shit!  (BTW ladies- thank you for putting the women's equality movement back about 300 years.)  I would love to see the sequel to this program where we get to see the raving shrew this barbie doll has turned into after living with her prince charming for a month.

If after watching these show you still want reality, come to my house and follow me around for a bit.  Today I am planning on cleaning the lint trap in my dryer, vacuuming and possibly cleaning out my fridge.  If you are super super lucky... you may even get to see me yell at my teenage daughter for having ten pairs of inside out jeans laying on her bedroom floor.

Or maybe I'll save that for my season cliffhanger...

FB Most Beautiful Teenager... WTF?!?

Sadly, this is not my usual type of post.  I felt compelled to write something about this and here it is.  In all it's ugliness...


I'll admit when I first saw the whole "Most Beautiful Teenager" thing on FB I wondered which pedophile thought of this one.  I mean seriously?  Encouraging teenagers to post their picture so the world can tell them whether or not they are beautiful.  Yikes... that poses a million different problems but I am going to focus on just a couple. 
First of all, most of these kids are indeed gorgeous.  What is saddening is that they need the rest of the world to adore them as well.  They know they are attractive... they can see the pictures as well as we can.  What makes them want to still gain the approval of the universe...well...human nature and insecurity I guess.  But still, it is disturbing.
What I find more disturbing is the trend to post pictures of kids that are either handicapped (sorry, not sure what the latest PC description is)or disfigured from either a disease or accident.  So now we must crawl into the head of your average teen, which is frightening in itself, and try and sort out the thought process.  They look at this person and know they are not what society deems as physically attractive. Whether these standards are fair or not, I don't want to discuss, it is a personal opinion.  However, these people do in fact look very different from what this contest is looking for.  So if a kid looks at this picture and DOESN'T vote for them they automatically think less of themselves for being so shallow and picking the girl with the perfect little nose and big brown eyes.  It is messing with their heads.  Lets imagine two pictures... one of the gorgeous girl and one of a girl who is disfigured in some way.  The contest is for the most beautiful right?  It is safe to say they mean physical beauty because if that wasn't what they wanted you to vote on, then you would need more than a picture. 

What do they do in their spare time? What are the persons moral beliefs? What are their opinions on social issues?????

Most people would pick the brown eyed girl in private but if their choice was made public they would choose the other one.  This causes self esteem issues for everyone...
They aren't picking the person they want to, they are picking the person they think they should because honestly, yes, the perfect looking kid is more attractive. In order to make this choice we need to know more about the person.
That being said... we are assuming that the pretty girl is a raging narcissistic beast and the other girl is a warm, caring child who would do no wrong.  What if that assumption if wrong?  Just because a person looks one way on the outside, it doesn't mean that automatically look the opposite on the inside.  We all know people of different levels of outward beauty and I think we can agree that some are indeed evil and some are in fact the nicest people we know.  At the same time, who's to say the untraditional looking person isn't a bad person on the inside.  We all know these people too!! 
I know I sound heartless towards some of these kids and I don't mean to.  The few that I saw that looked different we submitted by friends or family.  They are trying to convinve their friend/child that the whole world thinks they are as beautiful as their friends and family.  Why do they need this reassurance?  Not everyone finds the same thing beautiful and I don't know these kids well enough to make that judgement.  It results in votes out of guilt, because no, they aren't as physically attractive as some of the others.  With that being said, who cares?!?!  A lot of people find Angelina Jolie beautiful... I think she looks like a bobble head doll with facial features much too large for her head.  So what does it matter??
This whole contest is ridiculous I think has the potential to create more harm than good in the brains of our children.  If it were a contest about who is the better person, (which btw is a better idea) then all looks would be considered because it would have no bearing.  Because it specifically asks for what we deem "beautiful" I think it should remain that way.  Perhaps a contest on the most "Beautiful Soul" should be considered?? 

 Or, perhaps, we just leave this sort of thing alone and each enjoy beauty in its own way without having to compare and create winners and losers out of every ridiculous thing on the planet.

So here's the deal.... EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way.  Some in a traditional physical manner others by who they are and what they do.  Having the planet vote on this will make no difference.  Do not seek approval from the planet...it lies, it's shallow.  Trust the opinions of those who love you unconditionally. 

A person is as beautiful as the person they see when they close their eyes and see themselves from the inside.  Unless of course it is only important to you that you are physically beautiful and that the FB world agrees with you.  In that caase, congrats on your gorgeousness...enjoy it now, because when you are 85 and no longer have your smooth skin and shining hair you will be miserable.  And with any luck you will get to know that person who has had inner beauty their whole life and finally understand the meaning of the word.